September reflection

September was a bit mental. We said goodbye to Berlin, arrived back in Scotland, moved into our new flat, and we both started new jobs.

Leaving Berlin

The beginning of September consisted of cramming things into almost-full boxes and slowly saying cheerio to the life we built in Berlin.

One of the last tasks was swapping our coins for some crisp notes at the Bundesbank - another place I hadn’t been before. They swap it for free, which, despite it’s proximity to us and having to get through a final, potentially awkward situation - felt better than giving 10% to a CoinStar machine. All in all, it was a very smooth process - they are a well oiled machine. The biggest surprise was how many different non-Euro coins we somehow managed to accumulate!

Then came the moving van. Oh, the van. After constantly worrying if the van would get parked outside without blocking the entire street, as if by fate, there was a perfect parking space directly outside our building.

After loading everything up, I found myself getting more emotional than expected. I knew leaving would be hard, but there was something about physically carrying our life out of that flat and putting it into the back of a van that made it hit different. Until that point it was all talk and inventories, but as the van drove away, it really started to feel like the end of a chapter.

There were other little endings too. Handing back my work laptop. Saying goodbye to colleagues. Giving the keys back to our landlord.

In the end, it left us with just 2 suitcases - we had no flat, no job, and no practical reason to stay in Berlin anymore. So then we left. Two stressed, weary heads, dragging our suitcases behind us, and me wondering if we’d done the right thing as we made our way to the airport.

Home, after leaving home

Coming back to Scotland has been strange for me. In some ways, it has been instantly comforting. I can speak without rehearsing sentences in my head and make phone calls without preparing. I can understand letters, street signs, small talk and mumbled nonsense at the first attempt.

Our new flat is great too. After years in a Berlin apartment that was great despite the flaws, having a proper office and more room to breathe feels brilliant. Being closer to family again is also nice, but it certainly hasn’t been all easy!

I miss the support network I had in Berlin. I miss my brother, friends & colleagues. I miss knowing where everything is, how everything works, and the routine I had settled into.

That last part has surprised me most - I’ve moved back to the country I grew up in and still feel like a fish out of water. I expected some adjustment, obviously, but I think I underestimated how much Berlin had become home too.

Then there’s mobility - in Berlin, I felt infinitely mobile. Bikes, trains, trams, buses, U-Bahn, S-Bahn - there was always a way to get somewhere. Here, in a small town near Dundee, the world feels much smaller unless you have a car. Without one, it can feel a bit isolating.

It’s also weirdly expensive. Moving from the heart of Berlin to a small town in Scotland and paying more is a tough pill to swallow.

So yeah, I feel unsettled and a little trapped; a little homesick for the place I deliberately left. I’m hoping these are teething issues. The flat still needs to become ours, and the routine will hopefully settle. I knew it would take time, but knowing that doesn’t make it easier.

Driving limbo

A big part of feeling settled here will depend on driving. I’ve put a lot of faith in the DVLA allowing me to drive. Unfortunately, they wouldn’t give me an indication of my driving eligibility until I moved back here, so it feels like I’ve taken a bit of a gamble. The truth is, if I knew I wouldn’t be allowed to drive in the UK, I don’t think I’d be sitting in Scotland right now.

Before leaving Germany, I was cleared to drive, but in the UK, the rules are stricter, so I need to wait a full, seizure-free year, which for me, ends in October 2026. On top of that, I had to swap my German driving licence back to a UK one and submit a medical questionnaire to the DVLA. That was sent almost two weeks ago, and now I’m playing the waiting game, which is painful.

I downplay it to keep my own impatience at bay, but being able to drive here unlocks so much. It makes seeing family easier, means we’re not always planning around hourly (at best) buses, and generally helps us feel less isolated. It also means we can start exploring Scotland again, which is something we’ve been excited about.

There’s a cycling angle too. I miss being able to get on the bike and go wherever I like, but Scotland is different. A car would let me take the bike to meeting points, join group rides, and explore quieter roads without needing to ride along awkward, busy roads just to get there.

In Berlin, I loved not needing a car. I didn’t miss driving at all. I liked not owning one, not paying for one, and not worrying about insurance, MOTs, repairs, fuel, tyres, or any of the other delights of car ownership. Public transport and bikes gave me a sense of freedom, in more ways than one.

Starting again at work

September was also my first month in a new job! Bye-bye fintech, and hello edtech!

After almost seven years in one company, in the same team, working in the same domain, with familiar services, familiar people, and familiar problems, I have moved into something completely new.

The company, role, responsibilities, domain, technology, processes, people - everything - it’s all new.

I expected it to be hard, but I don’t think I fully appreciated how much of my confidence came from familiarity. At Billie, I knew the systems, the history, the trade-offs, the weird edge cases, and the locations of most of our skeletons. And even when things were difficult, I knew where to start.

Now, I’m back to reading docs, joining meetings where half the words are new, trying to understand services I’ve never seen before, and fighting the urge to apologise every time I ask a question.

I want to be useful. That’s the frustrating bit. I want to contribute, help the team, and prove I was a good hire. But early on, you often don’t know enough to be useful, and you also don’t want to disturb people constantly. So I find myself sitting there trying to balance curiosity with not being a complete pain in the arse, which isn’t easy.

There’s also the probation part. I’ve not been on probation for a long time, and I’d forgotten how odd it feels. Being hired as a Tech Lead for the first time makes that feel even heavier - a more senior title, with a bigger weight.

At times, I still question the decision. Leaving a job I loved, a team I had a strong bond with, and a domain I understood was always going to create moments where my brain second-guessed itself. But I also know this is the hard part of any job transition. The part where everything is unfamiliar and slightly uncomfortable. I don’t want to give up just because it feels difficult. My goal is to find my feet and not immediately retreat because I miss being competent.

Although, for the record, I do miss being competent. Lovely feeling. Big fan.

Wrap up

If it’s not evident by this hot mess of a post, September has left me feeling a bit all over the place.

I’m happy to be closer to family, grateful for our new flat, excited about exploring Scotland again, and relieved that the stress of moving is behind us.

But I’m also missing Berlin, missing Billie, missing people, waiting anxiously on driving paperwork, and trying to find my feet in a new job where everything is unfamiliar.

So I don’t have a neat conclusion this month. I think the honest version is that I’m unsettled, but trying. A lot changed at once, and feeling a bit scrambled is par for the course.

Hopefully October brings a bit more stability. A driving decision would help a lot, as would feeling a bit more useful at work.

But, baby steps!