Sobriety Scepticism

Me: “I’m staying off the booze for a bit - I overdid it on holiday” <3 minutes later> Literally anyone: “Darren, beer?” Me: “… go on then!”

This is a record I’ve played on repeat many times in the last few years. It’s no surprise then, that when I tell people I’m done with alcohol (at least for now), they give me a look as if to say “You? No more beer? No more whisky?” And really, it’s not a surprise.

In the past, I’ve quit alcohol at breakfast, and found myself clinking bottles at 4pm.

Which is why the most common response is a raised eyebrow and some variation of: “You’ve tried this before.”

That’s fair enough. I have.

Before I go into why this time is different, I want to explain what those previous attempts actually were.

🧪 The previous attempts

In the past, my breaks from alcohol followed a very familiar pattern:

After a big holiday
After a heavy night
After a summer or Christmas party held by work
After feeling rough, guilty, or embarrassed

They were framed as:

“I’ll take a few weeks off”
“My body needs a detox”
“I need to stop drinking for a bit”

Some lasted, most did not. Nothing would feel inherently different with the breaks. There was always a goal in sight: 1 week, 2 weeks or 1 month. Also, if I was really in the mood, I’d simply stop early and drink again.

Those breaks weren’t about learning anything and they weren’t about real change. They were reactional and mostly about damage control.

🧠 What’s different this time

This time didn’t start because I felt guilty or rough. Well, I did feel rough at times - very rough. But mostly, this started because something forced me to stop and actually look.

A seizure
A long term injury, with possibly lifetime consequences
A long time off work.
Long, quiet days at home with very little distraction
A “failed surgery” resulting in “waiting for 6-12 months to see if it heals”

For the first time, I wasn’t saying:

“I need to stop drinking for a bit”

I was asking:

“Why am I so keen to keep this thing in my life?”

That’s a very different question.

📚 I didn’t just stop - I starting learning

Previously, I avoided thinking too much about alcohol. I essentially plugged my fingers into my ear shouting “la la la la”. However, this time, I leaned into it. I had the time, I was full of regret, annoyed, frustrated and I was looking for change.

I started:

Reading books
Listening to podcasts
Watching other people talk honestly about sobriety
Learning what alcohol actually does to sleep, mood, anxiety, and health

And slowly, something shifted. I was beginning to take alcohol seriously. “I Didn’t Believe It Either” by Todd Kinney particularly resonated with me. He never hit rock bottom, he struggled with moderation until eventually things started to fall into place. Being in hospital for surgery added another dimension for me - being in a gown with my arse out, awaiting treatment - I wanted to reduce the chances of ending up back in hospital for anything. I’ve had 3 hospital stays since moving to Berlin, and that’s enough for me.

⚖️ Health moved from “nice to have” to “non-negotiable”

This is a big one. Previously, things like good sleep were nice perks. Now, I understand how closely they’re tied directly to my health.

With epilepsy, disrupted sleep isn’t just an inconvenience - it’s risky. And alcohol is incredibly good at disrupting sleep while pretending it’s helping. Sure, I’ll K.O in 3 seconds, but my sleep is disrupted, short and I wake up feeling as rough as a bears arse.

For the first time, moderation stopped feeling like a clever balance and started feeling like unnecessary friction. // change

🔍 It’s no longer about proving anything

Past breaks often had an unspoken goal:

“Prove I can stop.”

This one doesn’t.

I’m not trying to win an argument with myself. I’m not trying to earn a label. I’m not trying to decide anything forever.

I’m just giving myself enough space to see what life looks like without alcohol being the default.

🪞 Metric tracking

In my job, we don’t tend to blindly release experiments. We proceed cautiously and observe metrics. I need that for this too.

When you deep dive into “quit lit” as I have recently, the perks are shoved into your face constantly. I’m taking everything with a pinch of salt and making up my own mind based on my own experiences. I’m paying attention, taking notes, journalling and drawing my own conclusions.

I want to find out for myself:

Does “sober sleep” actually exist? How much better is it?
Am I more productive?
Am I saving buckets of money?
Is “feeling more present” just nonsense?
Can I have fun without alcohol?
and so on..

🧩 So yes - I’ve tried before

But this isn’t the same. This isn’t a detox, or a punishment, or a reaction. It’s sober curiosity, backed by information, health, and lived experience.

I don’t know exactly where this ends, but I do know one thing: I’m not going back to not thinking about it.

And that alone makes this time different.